Shouting At Nothing

10 from 2010

2011-01-03T21:34:00.005Z

...........and we're back! Welcome, loyal readers. I realise that I've been ignoring you. That's cool. I'm standoffish. That's my thing.

Anyway, here's ten tunes that were alright this year. In absolutely no proper order:

Delphic – Acolyte

I avoided Delphic for a long time. My acute cool radar went off. They were signed to R&S initially, supported Orbital, and were generally tipped, including in all the usual Sound Of 2010 nonsense.

So I'm a twat. Delphic are great. They are New Order's best album "Technique" as played by people who aren't utter wastes of oxygen, and for that I love them. And Acolyte is as good a place as any to start: nine minutes of blissed-up E-pop. If you don't get exilherated by this, we have a problem. Don't read on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6lzgY57s38

Foals – Spanish Sahara

The first Foals album was a proper ninety degree turn away from what else was being released in 2008, and almost coincidentally one of my favourite records of that year. They now regret calling one of their early singles "Mathletics"; but it was a fair summation of their aesthetic: both scolarly and gymnastic. Jerk-prog-pop at its best.

"Spanish Sahara" left all that behind. Stately post-rock, you could call it; if you wanted to, but that wouldn't do it justice. They'd been listening to Talk Talk, and that's never a bad idea.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaVE4WVlsDQ

Fake Blood – Mars

BRING ON THE RAVE. This track - which could have been made in any year from 1991 to 2010 and probably was - sits awkwardly here. But who cares when it's an adrenalin shot as potent as this. Come the fuck on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMFfavMWd0I

Cee-Lo Green – Fuck You

Almost needs no introduction. A defining tune of the year in the way that "Hey Ya" and "Ms Jackson" were, and for similar reasons. A huge hit but also a deserved one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU

Arcade Fire – Sprawl II (Mountains Within Mountains)

Arcade Fire are a band I should love. They're Canadians in a world of Americans; they're rockist in a world of R&B. I don't love them. I think they may be unloveable.

But they do alright for themselves, and this is in their defence as to why they might be eventually, you know, OK.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rH_7_XRfTMs

Janelle Monae – Cold War

Do you know me? If not: why are you reading this; if so - yeah, you know me, a bit of a Kate Bush thing going on here. And although Janelle Monae isn't Kate Bush At All, in the way she sounds nothing like her, the album is hugely Kate Bush in the ambition shown and the attitude taken.

Like (and here they are again) Outkast, Monae has ambition beyond belief and an understanding that music sometimes is about presentation, as long as the tunes are there to back you up. This is wonderous.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqmORiHNtN4

Aloe Blacc – I Need A Dollar

Every so often you catch a breeze, a whiff of something that just works despite everything. Aloe Blacc's album wasn't a seller and wasn't likely to be given the poor distribution it attracted. But those who heard it loved it and it ended the year being picked up by Sony.

As feelgood as Strawberry Letter 23, which is high praise from me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR6oYX1D-0w

Gorillaz – Stylo

Hand in the air - I'm a long term Blur fan. The Oasis thing wasn't even a skirmish for me. Albarn may have been an utter arse in the past (and I suspect he properly was) but for "13" alone he has my attention. Gorillaz have been patchy but "Stylo" has Bobby Womack on it! Bobby fucking Womack! Plus one of the basslines of the year. It gets into the top ten on that basis even before we talk about Mos Def.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhPaWIeULKk

Robyn – Dancing On My Own

KLAARK! Pop klaxon of the year alert. Older readers may remember Robyn as the Scandinavian responsible for the string-drenched dancefloor heartbreak Tune Of 2007 "With Every Heartbeat". She did it again this year.

I don't go to clubs any more but this must have been a soundtrack to more nights out than people will admit to. And the way she's clearly a fruitcake just adds to the wonder.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcNo07Xp8aQ

Tinie Tempah - Pass Out

Just a great Number One single. One for the ages.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzvGKas5RsU

There you go, everyone. Might do a Spotify mix of these if I can be arsed. Spotify is, however, a bit late 2008 :)

Mothballs

2010-06-11T23:35:00.003+01:00

The title's relevant. With, er... developments I hadn't intended to return here. I had left it to various guests from China to link to their wonderful websites. But give me six hours and a free run and I will go back on anything. So...

The World Cup. I'm enjoying it. Why?

The football? *does wobbly hand motion*
The gambling? Yes, but I will lose money.
The organising the office gambling? Yes.
The music channels showing twenty plus years of shit cash in singles? Yes, yes.

Now, let me clarify something. I'm English. I'm no flag waver. I'm also not about to go so left wing as to join the chorus of shitting on people who display the England flag when there's a tournament on.

I remain uneasy about the England stuff, but I do have an England shirt, the only one I could ever own. The shirt from 1996, without any red on it.

It doesn't fit me any more :)

But anyway, I'm here to twat on about footie records. A tradition still alive, but barely, like the industry itself.

If I could pick A Best Year Ever, it might be 1990, or it might be 1991. Those are my parameters. I fucking loved being 17. I was a lanky, thin twat. Italia 90 was my first real WC. England did... OK. New Order did the song. They knew it was about ecstacy but I didn't.

I watch it now and I realise it's all about E. The drug New Order, Keith Allen, and countless others enjoyed.

But the best part of the video for me is the first 20 seconds. It's the mulleted 1986 squad falling over. And that forms the backdrop the the start of the vid.

And then there's the "you've got to hold and give" business, for which I think Barnes is unfairly criticsied for. All he did was do a job Gazza was too shit at.

Anyway, the music channels are pouring a lot of footy-related nonsense into my eyes. And I think some of it's OK. It's like Xmas.

2010-03-07T01:24:00.003Z

Hey blog readers.

Look, it's not you, it's me. It really is: I suck. If this was a relationship, I should just fuck the fuck off out of it right now. You, too.

It isn't happening. I don't update enough for y'all to keep checking, and that's fine. Really. I get it.

Advance warning

2010-01-20T23:36:00.002Z

Quiet here, isn't it? But then it always is around festive time and its aftermath. Apologies: the work has been relentless and the paybacks few.

Fear not, for I have a plan. I'm going to commemorate the annual sober month (February these days - easiest I find) with a daily post: like an advent calendar, but in a month other people aren't doing it.

It'll be to do with music, and me. So just like every other post here, except more regular than a marching band on prunes.

Wanking In The Name Of

2009-12-19T00:57:00.002Z

There's been enough coverage of the whole Christmas number one issue elsewhere on the web. So my minor contribution, written in a moment of high dudgeon, means nothing (regarding the whole 'RATM are on Sony' thing)

Such is SyCo's importance to Sony's market that he has 'points', ie a percentage of income directed his way.

Let's look at the album chart this Christmastime.

1. Susan Boyle. On Sony. Directly attributable to Cowell.
2. Lady Gaga. Up 100% saleswise week on week. Why? X Factor performance.
3. Michael Buble. His strongest album ever and no 2 on the midweeks. Multiple appearances on X Factor including the final.
4. Black Eyed Peas. Not so much... but did perform on the X Factor.
5. JLS. On Sony. Last year's X Factor runners up.
6. Queen. Enjoyed a themed week on X Factor.
7. Westlife. On Sony. Managed by Louis Walsh, appeared on X Factor.
8. Take That. Enjoyed a themed week on X Factor. Back catalogue on Sony.

That is why Cowell is on points. He sells records where few others manage to.

Now, I'm no Cowell cheerleader. I come from a place where I used to run an indie record shop in my home town, have seen a few record chains fall over as the market changed, and somehow managed to cling on working in what remains of the music business. From the above, you can understand that for me, the X Factor is a positive thing for those still trying to make the music industry work out.

Do I like "The Climb"? No. Do I think there are worthier targets? Yes.

That was hammered out on an undeserving keyboard by a stressed out bloke whose job is to make sure supermarkets sell records this Christmas. And, thank fuck, they are, at least in my neck of the woods. For which I cannot take a great deal of responsibility: I am a cog in the machine.

Move along a few cogs though, and you get to Cowell. He knows what will sell records. My job is to move records so they will sell. Thanks to how well December has gone, it looks like I will have a job for at least another twelve months, so without backing the X Factor thing entirely, you can understand my position.

My position: I am a corporate whore.

No Mo Heroes

2009-12-01T19:37:00.003Z

Well, thank god for that: this morning I could finally have a decent shave. Believe it or not, this is the least ridiculous/camp picture that captures that fleeting period when I sported what appeared to be a rodent 'neath my nasals.

I can return to my irregular blogging patterns now. Last chance to see: JustGiving

Can't Take No Mo

2009-11-19T23:08:00.004Z

I'm not going to run out of these puns on the word 'mo', by the way.

More reflections on the gap between the intended:

(and these are the only circumstances in which "drummer from Travis" will ever pop up on this blog)

...and the reality:

Yes. No. Bad. Still, some good has come of it:

http://www.justgiving.com/js-movember/

I really need to shave. Like I never have before. Even worse than post every festival I have ever attended, more so than the time I grew out the lower lip hairyfur to piss off the women in my life for shits and giggles. We're talking itchy now.

Still, only eleven days to go now. And unless they are reading this (unlikely) I still have some family-annoying to do. Yay!

Aimless Wineshop

2009-11-17T21:12:00.006Z

I haven't gone into details about the events of this time last year. Remember November 2008? Woolworths, MFI, Zavvi went bankrupt. I was... er... implicated in all that, but didn't blog about it at the time because I was trying to get another job at that point.

I'm yet to describe on here how cack the last days of EUK were. And I'm not going to do that today, either. Instead, 12 months on, I'm going to draw a parallel to another impending closed business and the impact.

Yes, readers, despite the implausibility of the concept, my local offie is closing down.

The parent company of Threshers and Wine Shop somehow couldn't make things add up. This amazes me. Housemate and I almost lived there. Not a watertight business model, but I felt that might be enough.

On my way home tonight I called in, and immediately I was transported to another place: any Our Price, January 2004. Same situation - company clearly dead, customers have lost the will to even try to be polite whilst scalping the dead business for anything they can get. Same tonight.

Ladies arguing that the £25 down to £12 champagne should be £9. Blokes asking where the cheap spirits are. Tramps looking for cheap cigs.

The poor bloke behind the counter - the only one left on shift after everyone else had been fired - was stressed beyond belief. Poor bloke. His shop is closing down, he is about to lose his job, and all anyone wants is a cheap bottle.

I got to the counter and vouchsafed that I had been there when Our Price went down. Being 20, he didn't know what the hell I was on about.

I explained that it was a national chain of shops, specialist like, that had been ground into dirt by the supermarkets.

And then he asked me what I do now.

I told him I now work for Sainsburys.

I think he hates me.

Mo Better Blues

2009-11-16T20:56:00.004Z

November the 16th: over halfway through the month, and it's fairly clear how this whole moustache malarkey is panning out.

To wit: whilst I would have envisaged something like this...

...the disheartening reality is that we're nearer this.

Bugger.

Mo' Mooey Mo' Problems

2009-11-04T19:46:00.001Z

FROM THE DESK OF ANDY HEALING

Hi all

Apologies for the bulk email...

Let it never be said that I spend all my time doing good works. In fact, I suspect the last time I did anything worthwhile was Bob-A-Job Week, or a sponsored walk at primary school. So it's not like I'm always emailing people saying SPONSOR ME! SPONSOR ME! I AM GREAT AND AM ON THE FAST TRACK TO HEAVEN LOLZ!

Not at all.

It's almost by accident that I am part of something charitable - inadvertently, as the reason why I'm growing a moustache for all of November (whilst shaving my chin, cheek and jowls to prevent any goatee or beardo action) is that I thought it might irritate people around me - I'm cool like that. Also, it was a dare.

But anyway, all that aside, if you do feel like giving to the pooled fund (it's not just me, it's ten of us at work), then head over to this here website: this here website

There's also going to be photos on there as we progress through - and if I'm honest, I'm more embarrassed about being pictured wearing a tie than having random gingery sproutings fuzzing up my top lip.

So, please give generously. Or don't. Your call.

Hope to catch up with all of you soon. Let's make it December though, eh?

Andy

Movember

2009-10-31T00:48:00.005Z

I feel at this point that it may appear that I am doing something for charity.

It's not my primary motive, of course; the big one is to annoy people I work with and my family. But if you read this and want to pay to stop it even happening again, go here: Movember

I may never do this again.

Phobia

2009-10-23T00:38:00.001+01:00

In almost irrelevant news, it appears that Liam Maher has died.

For those of you who care not for 1992, think on. Maher was the lead singer of Flowered Up. Now he is dead.

Today's timewaster: Tenorium

2009-10-20T06:22:00.003+01:00

In the Rather Wonderful department: a Flash-based Tenorium emulator.

http://wonderfl.net/code/f1b3cff1df96019112e67dd4478a0c9efa51578a

The Tenorium is the gizmo that Little Boots plays in concert to distract from her off-key singing.

Within a couple of minutes of mucking about with this, you can build up some very pretty loops, just by clicking on squares at random and listening where the developing tune is heading. Very pleasant.

2009-10-11T23:32:00.002+01:00

A popstar died yesterday.

By coincidence, somebody I used to work with also died.

I'm all out of gags.

Thought For Today

2009-10-07T22:59:00.000+01:00

The Darkness missed out on Guitar Hero mania by four years.

Unfortunate.

Set Adrift On Memory Loss

2009-09-26T21:53:00.004+01:00

I am in my mid 30s, mathematically speaking. Given the expansion of 'youth' until the mid 40s (and despite the contradictory migration of the midlife crisis to the early 30s) I've been fairly happy with the state of my marbles, all things considered.

You know, I haven't done the usual brain-saving acts: get married, have kids; the things that theoretically give the cerebrum something to do rather than drift off into what The Andre would describe as insania. We'll leave to one side the whole concept of 'baby brain', as I'm sure it's just my friends who descended into dribbling idiocy once they became parents.

I have, however, continued with what could accurately be described as an early 20s lifestyle. Not the illegality, but the torpor and the alcohol abuse, allied to a love of computer games that a couple of decades of huge technological progress has enabled. And, look: I don't have anyone telling me not to do it.

So it is with a little trepidation that I report that last night a friend reminded me of a gig that she swears blind I was at; one which I have absolutely no memory of. This would have been about ten years ago. Not good. I mean, I normally remember walking into gigs, even if the exit is cloudy; I also have a huge stash of tickets I refuse to throw away. So this is weird.

That was last night. By coincidence, this afternoon I fired up the not-an-ipod to listen to some comedy I had downloaded. In no way illegally. Fist Of Fun, it was; Lee and Herring: great. Love both comedians' solo work, appreciate the On The Hour stuff, etc. The second episode opened up with something along the lines of "From Lancaster University, it's Fist Of Fun!!" Great, I thought. I missed some talent appearing at my academic seat whilst I was there - Lancaster wasn't frequented by many tours back then (Carter USM were greeted as heroes).

I listened to the half hour episode. 'Hang on', I thought, after ten minutes, 'some of these jokes are familiar.' Slowly it dawned on me. I had been in the crapping audience, and for the best part of 16 years that had disappeared entirely from my memory.

This knocked me for six a little. For all my inability to remember anything beyond 11pm on any given Friday or Saturday, a lot of my schtick (and career) is based on storing pointless information for regurgitation.

The two examples above of the erosion of my mental capacity worry me somewhat. Am I turning into Grampa Simpson?*

* (I fucking hope so.)

There Ain't No Pleasing You

2009-09-23T22:07:00.002+01:00

For those of you still avidly following music gossip - I am because I never did grow out of it and I suppose I am still sort of paid for it - the last original member of the Sugababes, Keisha, has been shown the door. Now whilst I have a great appreciation of "Stronger" and "About You Now", I subscribe to the notion that the further back you go with the Sugababes the better it gets. Spin back past the early-doors mashup bandwagon-jumping Numan ripoff "Freak Like Me" and you will find "New Year" and "Overload", both excellent singles now forgotten in the washing machine churn that has been the Sugababes pop opera over the last eight years.

But fuck that. More important is the news that Chas and Dave will from now on only be Chas, a drummer, and some hired hands.

This is clearly a disaster.

The first single I bought - and I hold no shame for this, unlike the first album or gig thing - was "Ossie's Dream (Spurs Are On Their Way To Wembley)" by the 1981 Tottenham Hotspur FA Cup Final Squad. Braced with that level of tuneage, of course they won. The next year too. Chas and Dave were part of that, and were always associated with the matchday experience at White Hart Lane once I was old enough to go. (On my own. Of course...)

You can leave the "Snooker Loopys". The "Rabbit"s. The stuff that people sometimes associate them with, the cheese... all irrelevent really : Chas and Dave soundtracked my pre-pubescent youth, as I developed a love for something, anything, even if it was a team who would let me down 9 times out of 10 for the next twenty five plus years. When I was ten I loved Chas and Dave to bits, "There Ain't No Pleasing You" was my song; and when I did get to see them at the 100 Club three years ago I was as pleased as anyone.

For that reason I think that Dave slinging his hook is more of a story than another of the Sugababes flouncing. Are there people out there who were ten when Keisha and pals recorded "Round Round", now distraught at today's news? I doubt it.

My Mercury's in retrograde

2009-09-17T01:49:00.003+01:00

Timely as ever, then.

For ancient reasons, I have always wished the nominees of the Mercury Music Prize well. Call it my indie heritage if you like. Set up as it was as an alternative to the Brits (bunch of cunts clapping on coke) and the Brats (bunch of cunts clapping on speed) it served its purpose.

This year, though, I saw the numbers. This made me cynical. At my age? Yes.

Speech Debelle, who I had only previously encountered on the 5th stage at Latitude playing to 35 people (and I walked past) won. Good on her. Now here's the problem: her label (Big Dada for those who care part of Ninja Tune) is an indie, and had pressed no extra copies expecting a win on the night.

Why would they? 12 nominees, potential sales boost for the winner, but not much else. As an example I hold up Sweet Billy Pilgrim who got to number 200 that week. That said, the winner only got to 65. Yet Florence & the Machine, La Roux, Bat For Lashes, etc, got higher. Why?

If Ninja Tune wanted to get the Debelle album into the major outlets, they'd've had to press 20,000 CDs. And prepare to get 10k of them back as returns. It would cripple Ninja Tune and I'm glad they didn't even try. Huge outlay with no guaranteed income from it.

There's a big debate to be had here about whether it's worth giving the Mercury to an album which can't make the most of it. I'm ducking out of that one. I would like to think that a few thousand more Bat For Lashes albums were sold over the last four weeks. Apart from that: I feel... nothing.

This is the Fresh Prince's new definition of summer madness

2009-08-29T14:23:00.003+01:00

Look, I'm lazy. Reeeally lazy. Take the week off and not leave the house lazy. So as a result I hardly update this thing anymore. Furthermore, even though I'm here, I can't even be bothered to write a proper piece of prose. As a result I'm going to list a load of bands I've seen this summer. It's not fascinating, but blogging is all about empty, windy, pointless words. So here are some.

If I went particularly mental at said gig, I've attached an asterisk. Like an Oscar, but mild. A Brit, then.

Latitude - Southwold, Suffolk

(in approximate chronological order)

Edwyn Collins, painting in the woods and having his hand shaken by everyone who recognised him
Mummers
Charlotte Hatherley
Duckworth Lewis Method
Of Montreal
Fever Ray*
Golden Silvers
Ladyhawke
Pretenders
Lykke Li
Mew
Squeeze
Pet Shop Boys*

Holly Walsh
Sean Hughes
Broken Records*
Emmy The Great
Airborne Toxic Event
Patrick Wolf
White Lies
Doves*
Grace Jones
Spiritualized*

Thom Yorke
iLIKETRAINS*
Red Light Company
Gurrumul
Rumble Strips
Gaslight Anthem
Tricky
Saint Etienne*
Editors
Ciderzzzzzzzzzzz

Hyde Park

Amadou & Mariam
Vampire Weekend
Blur*

Wembley

U2. Fucking average.

Rewind. Oh God.

Chas & Dave
Phill Jupitus & The Blockheads
The Christians
Nik Kershaw
Midge Ure*
Howard Jones
T'Pau. Oh God.
Paul Young
Go West
ABC

Tomorrow, on Clapham Common

MSTRKRFT
Tom Middleton
Roni Size
Royksopp
The Mighty Orbital

I always say that my favourite gig, EVER like, was Orbital at Tribal Gathering, somewhere near my house, 1997. I stand by that. If The Mighty Orbital can replicate anything like that tomorrow I will smile so much you might even see my teeth.

Wot A Waste

2009-08-22T00:26:00.001+01:00

Just watching a BBC4 documentary. One lucky enough to have captured Ian Dury before he passed.

Gawd bless.

Blimey!

2009-07-15T23:37:00.003+01:00

I'm steadfast in my refusal to apologise for the lack of posts on this chalkboard. If I'm posting a lot, you lot know I am lacking a life (as I would define it). So, that this is my second posting this month just means I've been busy.

I was on a stag weekend a few days ago. I could have planned it better, but then last minute or absent planning is what I do. And this weekend I'm off to Latitude (www.latitudefestival.co.uk), so things are barely quiet.

Tonight, I've had to squeeze in my birth anniversary, Zzzzzzz. But I'm on here to talk about last night.

I don't talk about what I do for a living on here much, because I'm not sure it matters. Last night, though, I attended an event which made the front page of both London free afternooon scandalsheets, the audience described as a 'selected few'. Well, I've been in the unselected few several times, usually in Scout football, but this is new. Very posh hotel, one of the best selling artistes of all time, canapes, champagne, exclusive plays of new album, major label uberdomo, etc.

When I was standing in Classical Rock ten years ago, happy with the odd promo and Howard New showcase, did I think I would get to this? No. I wanted to own and run Classical Rock at a profit, in my dreamworld cornering the Harpenden music market with my local knowledge and high-functioning minutiae.

That didn't work out and I slowly gave up my pure indie soul to the corporate Devil. I'm there now.

(As an aside to the hotel story, afterwards we went to Abbey Road and EMI gave us wine and beer as an apology for Ringo not tirning up to the remasters launch. And that last sentence, ladies and gentlemen, means the sellout is complete.)

Thought For The Day

2009-07-03T12:37:00.002+01:00

"Religious dogma has killed more people in Europe than the Black Death, yet it seems blindingly obvious that if people are capable of believing different certainties, then no version can be reliably considered the absolute truth.

It would be quite possible, as an experiment, to invent a completely nonsense religion - based on, say, the films of Walt Disney - convert a remote tribe in Papua New Guinea to this new creed, and then see how long it was before they were prepared to kill for it. 'There is only one duck and his name is Donald. Daffy is a false prophet and Warner Bros are the enemies of the one true faith.'"

- John O'Farrell, 2007

Why I love BBC Radio 6

2009-06-04T20:53:00.002+01:00

5.30am. Am rudely awakened by my radio. But what's this wondrous noise seeping into and influencing my dreams, before bringing me round to consciousness and ensuring my eyes open gladly?

It's the Underworld remix of Saint Etienne's "Cool Kids Of Death".

This is why I love 6 Music.

London Bites

2009-05-27T23:46:00.003+01:00

So, anyway. There we were, three of us, one Notts teacher, one Middlesex HR guy, one me, all of us happy as any given Larry that we had ended up with a corner table before 2 o'clock at the Edinburgh Castle in London's usedtobetrendy Camden on bank holiday Sunday.

As the next three hours rolled by, one Notts teacher (ONT from now on) and one Middlesex HR guy (OMG)and I "shot the shit" as chaps do. But soon it was our time to leave.

Aimlessly ambling, we determined to find a pub that would show us Jeff Stelling's forehead creasing with import as news of Premiership goings and comings filtered through. We failed. Camden is not football town. It's arsehole town, but not football. So! We took our leave for Kentish Town.

(I'm not sure that the phrase "we took our leave for Kentish Town" has ever been typed before. Just because it's a craphole, as opposed to my claiming royalties or anything.)

Either way, Newcastle went down, Spurs didn't achieve the impossible, et cetera. So we left the questionable Irish boozer politely after the barcode fans and OMG and ONT resolved to buy food.

Always a mistake in my book, that. But who was I to complain? Don't answer that. Anyway, we saw a "Cocktails 2 for 1" sign and investigated. Sun dappled garden, few punters... all good, in theory. Still, why, were the staff surprised by our arrival?

....because it didn't have a licence, and the film crew already on the premises - if they filmed us plebs - might have gone away with the wrong impression. Despite that, I went to the offie next door, sorted the beers, and we sat down for a culinary experience*.

(*Chips for me - I wasn't hungry. Big burgers with cheese and all sorts for the other two.)

Halfway through our sumptuous repast, cameras twitch in our general direction. I had been aware of the crowd of media types inside the restaurant, but had ignored them in the heartfelt hope that the wouldn't try and interview me or such shite.

They interviewed me. I squirmed.

I'm not sure what to say. If you're a regular viewer of Urdu restaurant reviews of London borderline cafes, available on Sky 768367, you may see my abject contribution. If not, my best advice is this. Make sure the cocktails are alcoholic before you sit down expecting a 2 for 1.

"Why did you only order chips?"
"Because I wasn't hungry and certainly wasn't expecting a camera crew?"

It won't make it to YouTube. But it taught me a bit about nichecasting. Who are these people broadcasting to?

A confession

2009-05-12T23:35:00.003+01:00

I started this blog a couple of years ago as a gag. A sad gag, no doubt: an infrequent one as well. You can chart my boredom with life (and thus months off the booze) by counting my posts by month. That said, I'm proud of my awful verbiage: after all, I've deleted the worst of it within 12 hours.

Certainly, as few blogs on the interspazz are read by anyone but the poster and their immediate family, I'm proud to say that no-one in my immediate family has read this abject cackdribble. Not that it would hurt them: I say little that is controversial. Anyroad.

I'm always amazed that anyone reads what I post. So this one's for you. In the spirit of Eurovision, I'm going to count down the nation states that have most read my blog. Which may make the other UN nations laugh at them come biscuit time.

MENTIONED IN DISPATCHES (KNOCKED OUT EARLY)

Come on down, Sweden, Greece, Republic Of Ireland, Serbia, Russia, Peru, and Turkey! (sounds like a Eurovision-fixing cartel to me)

QUALIFIED FOR THE UEFA

France! Austria! Cyprus! Er, Canada!

READ MY BLOG TOO MANY TIMES YOU FOOLS AND THUS IN A MYTHICAL CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

Norway! Germany! United States! United Kingdom!

You know, I haven't travelled. I don't know who is reading my nonsense. It's weird and yet comforting that someone is. That said, my next post will make no sense to anyone, in Lima or Nicosia, in Athens or Andover.

Hold the line, caller

2009-05-06T22:55:00.000+01:00

'Kinell! Has it really been a month since I posted anything?

I should stay in more.

All you do to me is Talk Talk

2009-03-31T21:36:00.003+01:00

A man indirectly paid by Rupert Murdoch is coming around with a new Sky+ box soon. Our current one is, apparently, "not immediately dangerous", but has a flaw sufficiently serious to necessitate its replacement. Whether this flaw refers to the nerdish sci-fi left on there by persons unnamed is not clear.

Anyway, before it goes, I've been forced to actually watch some programmes I have committed to hard-drive over the last few weeks. (Apart from Dead Set, which I am clearly never going to get around to watching). So it was that tonight, I settled down in front of Talk Talk: Live In Montreux, broadcast on Sky Arts a few weeks back.

I'll admit, I lack perspective when it comes to Talk Talk. They've been up there as one of my favourite bands ever since I heard the "Spirit Of Eden" album back in 1988, and quickly moved through the back catalogue, which became amongst the first compact discs I bought. To others, perhaps, if they are known at all, Talk Talk are that band who did the original of the No Doubt hit "It's My Life" (undoubtedly one of the most faithful covers ever - a bootleg exists of Gwen Stefani 'duetting' with Mark Hollis over the original instrumentation. She didn't change a note or vary the tempo one bit) or "Life's What You Make It".

Great songs but only part of the story. The above two tracks aside, TT struggled for airplay in this country and strong singles such as "Living In Another World" and "Such A Shame" failed to break the Top 40 and thus enter the popular consciousness. Their best album, "Spirit Of Eden", had nothing even approaching a single that could be played on the radio at the time and their record company, EMI, ceased promotion once it became clear the band were unwilling or unable to tour the expansively orchestrated album.

The live show from Montreux captures the band in 1986, on what turned out to be their final tour, promoting "The Colour Of Spring". After a slow start as early singles and album tracks are dispensed with, the by now superceded synth-based songs sounding a little out of place played by a nine-piece band featuring two pianists and percussionists each, the gig sparks into life as tracks from the then-current album are played. From then on in, it's fantastic to watch and even this old (but never lapsed) enthusiast was surprised at how well the material came across live. At times they (whisper it) Rock.

The show's repeated on Sky Arts occasionally, so if you do have access to that channel I recommend you catch it. In the meantime I have (of course) put together a Spotify playlist of their finest moments, so if you get the chance feel free to immerse yourself. It'll be well worth your time.

HTTP Link:

http://open.spotify.com/user/andyhealing/playlist/1HIXwAj03fzjqhqFh0Brbg

Spotify URI:

spotify:user:andyhealing:playlist:1HIXwAj03fzjqhqFh0Brbg

Peter Cook & The Nolans

2009-03-16T08:59:00.003Z

I hope you're sitting comfortably, because I'm about to talk about my computer. Settled in? Good. (Don't worry, it's all exposition.)

Part of my Firefox folderol is an application called Googlepedia. This gets me a search bar up top with the expected bells and whistles; what it also does is divide my results screen into two when I perform a Google search. On the left - my Googly results; on the right - a Wikipedia page that Google thinks most appropriate.

Since the text entered into Google search boxes isn't always fully expressed in Queen's English, some wonderfully random Wiki pages can be suggested. As an example, this morning a search for "office world" prompted the "Narcotics Anonymous" entry. I don't know if the allegedly good people at Google are trying to tell me something.

Anyway. A similar misdirection this morning led me to the entry for the short lived charity supergroup The Crowd. Utterly forgotten now save for a few thousand desperate chart anoraks (mea culpa), The Crowd scored a number one single in the UK in 1985, a cover of "You'll Never Walk Alone"; their formation inspired by the death of 56 supporters in a fire at Bradford City FC earlier that year. A noble cause and a rare association for the song in the UK with something other than Liverpool FC.

All that aside, the list of contributors to the single, even at first glance, goes beyond motley and teeters on the insane. You can pick your own at will, but below are my favourite juxtapositions:

Girlschool... Black Lace
Peter Cook... The Nolans
Ed Stewart... Phil Lynott

These were, I think it's fair to say, more innocent times. Could you get Bruce Forsyth and Motorhead in the same recording studio now?

For those of you reading this without embedded links, you can play along too, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Crowd_(music)

Joining the Spotify revolution

2009-02-19T11:57:00.003Z

I'm clearly not going to get around/be arsed to expand on my last post, in which I made a start on listing and haphazardly describing what I felt were the best bits of music that landed on my MP3 player in 2008. Help is at hand, though.

You may or may not be familiar with Spotify, a new streaming/P2P hybrid which has backing from a majority of the globe's remaining record labels. So far, so Last.fm: however, I've found Spotify much easier to use, with quicker loading times for files to load. It's thus easy to 'pre-audition' albums before purchase or rejection.

Plus, and this for me is the killer app, the creation, distribution and sharing of playlists is extremely straightforward, meaning the whole mixtape thing is back Back BACK!

All of which unhealthily dull preamble is leading up to my unveiling of "2008. Ish", a companion piece to and expansion upon the below post. You can rest assured that the expected mix of high quality guitar mimbling, "Fade To Grey" knockoffs and miserable caterwauling is very much in place. 21 tracks, over an hour and a half of vaguely recent tuneage. "Enjoy"!

PS Warning: I'm planning a series of these.

PPS If you need an invite to Spotify, get in touch via email or the comments below. You won't regret taking the plunge.

Forever Delayed: 2008 (pt 1)

2009-02-09T20:43:00.007Z

Blimey, it's finally done.

A staple of many a blogger's shtick, particularly that of one with a history of twatting on about music, is an end-of-year 'best-of' round-up. As more and more unload their meanderings, unedited, onto seldom-visited corners of the internet, so these lists have proliferated every December. And it's for that reason, gentle reader, that I today bring you my 2008 effort in February of the following year; and no other. Certainly not laziness. No.

Before the envelopes start to be ripped asunder, a quick explanation of why summing up this particular twelve-month period in this way makes great sense to me as opposed to, say, May 2006-June 2007.

At the start of last year I replaced my old MP3 player which, if I'm honest, was so cranky I hadn't used it in months, and on closer inspection had actually expired. A new player, fresh out of the box, is a good chance to change tack in terms of music consumption, as well: I felt that I had fallen previously into the trap of just listening to 'greatest hits', collections I had been familiar with for five, ten, twenty years; no new albums were getting through. Yes, one can now carry an entire record collection in one's pocket, but at what cost?

A new rule, then: only new music, new albums, would go on. The use of the random button was proscribed, to allow an album's mood to establish itself. 2008 was going to be different.

As a result of the above, I have a great deal of fine music to choose from. Furthermore, as the year drew to a close, certain other things changed in my life, professionally and personally - and as a new order of things has emerged from the chaos in early 2009 I can look at the below list and realise it now conveys a sense of place; it refers to a state of mind. 2008, baby.

And the winners are...

BEST PROG ROCK TALKING HEADS ALBUM Foals "Antidotes".

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, Foals make prog rock, and they're damn good at it too. Labelled by embarrassed/embarrassing music journos as "math indie": a genre still more imaginary than "math rock".

Balderdash. Tempo changes, a generally portentous air throughout (plus some scratchy New Wave guitar played high up the fretboard) add up to prog as far as I'm concerned. And I'm always right about music on this blog. (Did I disable comments?)

Here's a 'video' which looks like it was thrown together to cover ten seconds in a 1991 Chart Show top ten countdown.

BEST INDIE BAND GOES MENTAL WITH CHEMICAL BROTHERS AND SEX ALBUM Bloc Party "Intimacy"

We'd had an inkling this was about to happen. Towards the end of 2007, Bloc Party put out a non-album single, "Flux", which sounded for all the world like Kele Okoreke had been listening to "Don't Give Up" by Chicane ft Bryan Adams. This was mildly controversial in the shallow backwaters of the indie press, but screw them. It was great to see, then, that the same sense of adventure, the need for something other than their previous (admittedly high calibre) alt/indie output, characterises the third BP album.

The album shows remarkable variety. If all they are doing is ripping off their record collection, it's a varied one. The ghost of Noel Gallagher ruining a perfectly good Chemical Brothers instrumental on "Setting Son" is all over two or three tracks here, but it's where they take more chances that the payoff is best. "Zepherus" builds slowly to a choral climax. "Better Than Heaven" looks like a 'Violator'-era Depeche Mode title and sounds like one, too. "Signs" and "Biko" (no, not that one) deal with the usual staples of depression and death with an unexpectedly light touch. Best of all, though, is the closing "Ion Square": driving, insistent, uplifting in a way Bloc Party just aren't meant to be. Thoroughly recommended.

Most of the lyrics are cack, mind. And none of the really good stuff's on YouTube. Arse. So below is one of the more conventional moments, "Mercury".

THE BEST I'M-SURE-THIS-BAND-USED-TO-BE-SHITE-LAST-TIME-I-CHECKED ALBUM Mystery Jets "Twenty One"

It's true, they were. The debut album was close on worthless. The second, however, is a revelation, if you like the 1980s, and I think I've proved in the past that I have. And the songs are ace. So ner.

Here's a minute of so of "Hand Me Down", as I don't want to outstay my welcome.

More to follow.

Radio Seventh heaven

2009-02-04T21:42:00.003Z

A quick note in praise of the contemporary comedy strand that BBC Radio 7 is running at present, 10pm to midnight.

There's much there to savour: recent and current broadcasts include On The Hour, Izzard stand up, Spike Milligan, Lee and Herring, Mark Steel and all manner of radio comedy curios from the last 15 years that I hadn't heard of, but are overwhelmingly worthwhile.

At midnight the station goes Pratchett, but I'm usually asleep by then.

I don't want to come over all Reginald Perrin...

2009-02-02T17:26:00.003Z

...so I won't bang on about the entertaining travel experiences I've had over the last 24 hours. Instead, I shall simply post a picture of why all this weather is fun:

Tee hee! John Wilkes is wearing a skirt!

The best of that year you've already forgotten about

2009-02-01T01:43:00.002Z

Right. Finally got a list. (Posting tomorrow)

I apologise for the delay: major lifestyle malfunctions have occurred. But anyway, my list is better than yours.

Oliver Postgate, Tony Hart, music retail....

2009-01-21T23:53:00.001Z

Who killed music retail, when, and why?

When and who is easy. Eight years ago, filesharing became a thing that you needed no web fluency to enjoy and became accessible. No more of that impenetrable Usenet nonsense... Audiogalaxy, Napster, Soulseek - all of these now-almost-departed filesharing sites educated 2001's 11 year olds that music was now free; worthless. £12 for a Sum 41 album? No chance! I know a place I can get that for free!

So now 2009's 19 year olds, those who are at the age where 20 years ago they would have been *buying* the most music, aren't.

So who's buying it? Not the 11 year olds. If they were, High School Musical excerpts and the Jonas Brothers would be Top Ten in the UK. And last time I checked, they weren't. Why? Because they can't go down the high street and buy the single of the song they love this week.

So, who's left?

Yer 50 quid man, who bemoans the loss of Fopp from his environs, might still go to HMV but would far rather go online. From a purely business standpoint this makes a lot of sense: how can it be sensible to run 20 stores in 20 cities with a deep back catalogue of, say, 10,000 CDs, when Amazon can do the same from one warehouse location and thus cheaper. Very soon there will be one and a half large-ish record shops with range in central London. Watch that number shrink.

50 quid man will eventually stay at home and buy, or download, although he will hate himself for doing it.

Sad enough to say, the future of over-the-counter music retail is the casual buyer. The despised citizen who bought Jennifer Rush's "The Power Of Love" in 1985 and Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" in 1998. He or she might have bought 'Employment' by the Kaiser Chiefs because of the singles and may well have stayed on for 'Yours Truly Angry Mob', because of Ruby, but not the third album. Why would they? They aren't loyal Kaiser Chiefs fans. They're only likely to buy what they have heard that week and if the single isn't on the radio, no sale.

You won't find the rather wonderful Animal Collective album in the supermarkets, even though it is far and away the most rapturously received album this particular January. The chasm between crtical acclaim and High Street commerce yawns ever wider. Where's this going?

2008

2008-12-28T22:52:00.002Z

I'm mulling over a whole 'best of 2008' thing right now. I hope to fling it up here on the 31st.

I'm 35, sometimes the CDs I get given for Christmas make the 10. So sue me.

Supermarket Muzak

2008-12-18T16:56:00.002Z

There's a few jobs I've always looked at and thought "Easy life, that. I could do the job in half a day and spend the rest of my time in 'research', ie listening to CDs, most of which will arrive through my letterbox for naught pence with a promotional sticker over the barcode".

Exhibit A would be the guy who gets to pick the incidental music on Match Of The Day. From folk memory we know that in the mid-90s the role was being carried out by a Lightning Seeds fan. Me, I'd change it every week to reflect my footballing mood, i.e. depending on whether the mighty Spurs had overcome adversity that day.

In fact, this goes for incidental music on almost any programme. Shame on you, Groove Armada/Moby/The Best Reefer Music In The World Ever!-toting imagination-bypassed oxygen thieves. It doesn't have to be this way. Got a nature programme about the rainforest? "The Return Of The Giant Hogweed". A documentary about David 'Dave' Cameron? "Paranoid Android". Confronted with Paul Ross reporting back from a paid-for holiday somewhere warm? Grab a Doc Marten or similar and smash your set in. It'll ease your pain.

I seem to have wandered from my central thrust a tad.

Oh yeah, anyway. Another piss-easy job is choosing the music to be piped over the PA in shops. You know what you're getting with most clothes shops: fuck-awful ILR'n'B which even Craig David would reject as being too dreadful, which is why I don't go in them and the indirect reason why I often look as if a disoriented David Blunkett has dressed me in the morning.

Supermarkets, too, frequently get it wrong, which is why it is a joy (relatively speaking, in the context of this ill-conceived twatrant) to report that my otherwise unremarkable Somerfield, if it were to have some sort of iTunes 'most played' list, would have its chart topped by "The Same Old Scene" by Roxy Music.

Now good though this record is (undervalued as well, coming from the era in which it was becoming clear that Bryan Ferry was an utter smugbucket) it's not exactly the greatest hit of all time. So what gives?

I have a theory. I reckon Phil Manzenera has wangled one of the prime "easy life" jobs. There can be no other plausible explanation.

Up next: Fruitbat from Carter sneaks "After The Watershed" under a montage of Christiano Ronaldo oiling himself into oblivion.

Something Outta Nothing

2008-12-10T19:27:00.002Z

I've not updated this blog much recently (by recent standards - earlier in the year it wasn't uncommon for four weeks to pass between posts) but it's not like nothing has been happening. Quite the contrary.

I always conceived this corner of the net to be where I vent my enthusiasms rather than my misgivings, a place to go to ease out a neatly curled dollop of creativity rather than just splat my anger over the Armitage Shanks of the net. I think I've stuck to that quite well, thanks in part to some speedy deletions at 10am on Sat/Sun mornings where I've woken up to find I've posted a load of nonsense or unnecessarily negative sentiments.

For these reasons, I've held back from venting here over the last week, and could have posted a lot more over the last fortnight. A previous post talked in poorly disguised code about what was going on; suffice to say that the endgame is approaching and (given my immediately previous employer is in the process of sacking all its London staff) it would appear that I will soon have to go back to my shelfstacking days to find a firm on my CV that is still in existence.

A sign of the times and of the industry I have chosen to work in, certainly.

I could, and may get the time to, write an essay about the highs and lows of the whole thing. There have been some unexpected experiences - two weeks ago I could not have predicted I would be in a warehouse putting multiple copies of the Beano annual into a box whilst Dollar's "Mirror Mirror" blasted out of the DC speakers, for example - but for now, I'm waiting for the inevitable bad news whilst wondering where the next pay cheque is going to come from.

PS: as the next track after Dollar was "Quiet Life" by Japan I can confirm I had a whale of a time.

Pinnacle Passed

2008-12-03T23:27:00.003Z

More bad news for the world of rock'n'roll commerce: Pinnacle Distribution went into administration today.

Now, there's a number of points here, some of which may even be valid, so bear with me.

1) The UK record industry needs, for its own future wellbeing, a vibrant indie distribution network - the main component of which appears to be in terminal decline.

2) Pinnacle weren't loved in the industry. I can say that without being sued.

3) Major releases that would have sold well this December, such as the Fleet Foxes album on Bella Union or the 4AD or One Little Indian gear, are now in limbo. I remember how long it took the Wedding Present (a band I revered at the time) to get out of the Red Rhino collapse in 1988. I would hope all the Pinn acts recover quicker and don't go under themselves. Paul McCartney's label has lost distro three weeks before Xmas. How odd.

4) Always remember, Pinnacle brought you PWL. And Factory, for balance - the first mention of Pinnacle I remember is as part of a 1/8 page ad in Record Mirror for New Order's "Substance" - a top 3 album - apologising for the advert and pointing out it was being published against the band's wishes.

5) This is effectively the end of indie as we once knew it. It's the big 3 from now on as far as physical is concerned. Keep downloading, kids.

6) This is nothing to do with my current situation (still unresolved) - it's all about the market, the nervousness of capitalists, and the banks. This model broke.

Religion

2008-11-27T23:07:00.000Z

This is worthwhile:

http://newhumanist.org.uk/1915

God trumps. I'm a 5/10 kinda guy.

Reasons To Be Cheerful - Part 1

2008-11-27T22:29:00.002Z

Some old bird in the 50s sang "What A Difference A Day Made" and it kind of sums up my feeling right now.

It's fair to say that the last 48 hours have, to quote a footballer in a mockney film featuring Sting, "been emotional". I hadn't anticipated the firm I work for falling into administration; naivety on my part I suppose. Last night's news was (given the lead up) not a bolt from the blue, but breathtaking in that it was a culmination of 24 hours of things going rapidly wrong.

As previously arranged, I headed to the Barbican to watch the Guillemots (fab, as always) and I should apologise to my gig-going chum for my emotional state. By the encore I had convinced myself that the company I worked for, and had left my previous job for on the grounds of job security, were outta here. Some vodka and coke requests led to a 5.30 alarm call that was touch and go, if you know what I mean.

As it turned out, I got to work half an hour early. (As happens a lot in normal circumstances.) Gratifyingly, everyone else who is normally there at that time of day was too. Everyone showed. With no deliveries and no despatches, we could do nothing, so today was a day of talking, bonding, going down the pub for two hours, and preserving the esprit de corps. It certainly worked. This was not previously a social company. It's become one.

The Company is in a separate administration from The Venerable Retailer, so the initial signs are good. We should survive. I've got every sympathy for the Venerable Retailer staff, though - I've been there with Our Price. It's horrid.

Down

2008-11-27T00:56:00.002Z

You know that feeling you get, when things are spiralling downwards and there's no controlling it?

That's where I am today.

The future flip-flopped from 70-30 good to 30-70. Holy shit. I always thought that WW would go down, but retained a naive hope that we'd survive. Turns out that was just naive. Dragged down by WW.

Gizza job?

Xmas Number One

2008-11-20T23:16:00.006Z

Remember when all the November talk was of what would be Christmas number one?

I almost miss the early 2000s (stick with me on this) when there was a good chance Busted or a Bedingfield might sneak a surprise and rise to the top. Or a dark horse, like a hideous Canadian who has chosen to draw out the hitherto unseen even more depressing aspects of an early Tears For Fears song.

Than Band Aid 3 ruined it, by being even more cackhanded than Band Aid 2.

Now, of course, we live in an X Factor world - and despite the absolute void of interest that is this year's competition (I can say this, having taken a month off fun recently, and what better way to not have fun than watch 8-10 twats mugging?) the Xmas number one will be the least hated one from ITV's Chosen.

The big betting market is what will now be number two. Yes: shit. But(t)- still a decent market. This year, more than ever before, downloads are dominant: on this week's midweeks, physical sales make up about 7% of the chart's contributory stats, and that figure is swollen by the CD sales of the X Factor aberration.

The Xmas chart will be an impulse-driven market, mainly by exposure in the week before the day itself.

Given the strength of the download, my tenner is on Mariah Carey. A thoroughbred nag, this one: always there or thereabouts, if there's a weak field she will glide up to no 2 and drag the Pogues to 4 and Wham to 8 behind her.

She's 33-1 on some markets to get to no 1 (without X Factor) now. I'm saying that is a punt worth going for.

Know your Rights

2008-11-19T21:58:00.003Z

I don't think I'm the only woolly liberal torn between amusement and concern about the leaking of the BNP's membership list to all and sundry on t'internet yesterday.

On the one hand, I'd prefer if stuff like this didn't happen. I'd hate to think that a 1989 membership list of "The Web", the shiny-paper-and-staples 'official fanzine' of Genesis-stalking 80s fashion-rejecters Marillion could ever be published on a public forum, for fear my hard-earned and well-crafted patina of extremely vague coolness might be stripped away. This would be A Personal Disaster.

That said, 12,000 people who were prepared to give membership money to an organisation with a basis of hatred have embarrassment issues now, and many more might be put off from joining in the near future, possibly substantially undermining a political party who have a nasty habit of winning council elections, despite espousing policies that would be discounted even by those sharing intellectual parity with the thick one from the Chuckle Brothers. This would be An Excellent Result.

I guess (in a post-Morisette world) I would have to settle on describing my feelings about it all, as 'darkly humourous'.

.

2008-11-05T21:22:00.002Z

The media overnight and throughout today have been showing us delirious scenes from across the Atlantic and elsewhere, reactions to the result of the presidential election in the United States.

Now I wouldn't for one minute suggest that the removal from power of the Republican Party is in any way a Bad Thing. In much the same way, I greeted the Tory defeat in 1997 as the prevailing of the least worst option, and would react to another Conservative defeat at the next UK poll in a similar manner.

The USA could look to the UK in 1997, though, as it wakes from its celebration party. The hype - light and heat - that such huge stories generate can be all-consuming, with news events both encouraging and disheartening being thrashed away at until context, reason and perspective is lost. Think the death of Diana; think the preposterous nonsense around the events at Radio 2 lately, and yes, think Blair's election victory and Obama's triumph.

For just as within four years the shine had very much disappeared from New Labour and its attempts to spin a Cool Britannia from meagre strands, so Obama will be fortunate to avoid a similar backlashing judgement once all the hoopla fades and he once again has to hit the campaign trail. That he is inheriting the job at a time when the USA remains detested in large parts of the world, not just for its foreign policy but also its role in what has become a global economic downturn, only makes his task all the more difficult.

2008-10-22T21:41:00.003+01:00

Those that have known me a long time will not be surprised to hear that I'm quite amused by the fandango around the collection being held on the justgiving.com site to raise money to slap humanist rhetoric on the side of London buses.

Time was, I would argue the toss loud and long about religion, God and the whole caboodle. I don't do so as much now, partly because I'm less argumentative in general these days - and partly because by the time people reach my stage of life, their minds are made up and (if anything) start to go gaga from now on and are as such more likely to develop a belief in God.

I will take time out to clamber into my notinanywayapulpit and denounce Stephen Green, who is the spokesman for Christian Voice. CV, you may remember, were the driving force behind the ludicrous "Jerry Springer: The Musical" furore five or so years ago, which resulted in thousands of member-lemmings complaining to the BBC before transmission of the piece - and hardly any complaints afterwards. One wonders why that was.

Mr Green, who in no way reinforces the idea that deeply religious people may perhaps be a little hard of thinking, commented on the bus advertising idea:

"Bendy-buses, like atheism, are a danger to the public at large."

Leaving to one side Mr Green's antipathy towards a particular form of mass transit, one wonders how not believing in something inherently fantastical puts members of the public in danger. As opposed to, you know, organising campaigns of baseless hatred against other groups.

"I should be surprised if a quasi-religious advertising campaign like this did not attract graffiti."

The above is a carefully worded way of condoning vandalism. I wonder what's about to happen?

"People don't like being preached at."

Testify!

(As a postscript, the donation site has now raised over £75,000 in two days. A flash in the pan, without doubt, but an enjoyable diversion. And before you ask: no, I haven't contributed. Not only am I a heathen, I am also a tightarse.)

2008-10-14T20:31:00.002+01:00

2008-09-28T00:06:00.002+01:00

Apologies, all my loyal readers, for my despicable tardiness in this latest update. From my many emails I know only too well how you all crave regular updates from Planet Andy and the impact on Planet Everyone Else must be huge. What can I say apart from: I will try to empty my ego more often in future, so that the world may be saved.

I've been reading Douglas Coupland again.

Anyway, since my last missive, I have done that there DJ gig. Stifled a tad by no PFL/cue (ie I couldn't listen to a tune before I played it and was hence mixing 'blind' - no problem for a top DJ, as their knowledge of when a quiet intro become important/beaty is peerless, but I'm a twat and know no tunes to that level apart from the Shamen and Stereo MCs output from 1993, so mistakes were made. I apologise.

Despite all the above workman/tools stuff, I had a great time. 2 hours of me bopping around to records I like listening to (/DJ MODE) and thankfully they seemed to go down OK with everyone else too. I particularly liked sticking on the Soulwax mix of "Phantom II" by Justice and having two strangers do the whole 'T' hand thing to me, thus denoting a tune. Then following that with "You Got The Love" was predictable but needed to be done. And loads of people danced, which was ace.

A lot of the pleasant surprises were borne out of the early Chicago house stuff I played early as a warm up - Mr Fingers, Raze, Sterling Void - which went down dead well. Unpleasant surprises would be me confusing CD1 and CD2 on compilation albums and then me without any prefade just playing and being stuck with it, hence Technotronic. Apologies all.

So what else has happened? On Thursday I got my face cut open for medicinal reasons. To my amazement, despite 20 stitches, I felt nothing after the anaesthetic wore off. This is either because I'm dead hard or that the polite South African butcher cut along my nerve-ending-deficient scars as opposed to my naked flesh. Anyway, I might have an unlumpen face in 6 months, all going well.

Also: my parent company may well be broke in the next 7 days. We'll see.

2008-08-25T01:28:00.005+01:00

Things I like this week:

"Your Love" by Jamie Principle, or: Frankie Knuckles or: "You Got The Love" by Source feat Candi Staton. One of the best ten records ever made, I say.

When I was 17 I was in love with You Got The Love. I think I was right. One of the first mashups and one of the best.

Why am I dribbling on about this?

I need to fill space - I have my first DJing gig in ten/fifteen years, depending on your definition of gig, coming up. If the beats don't match, it's Andy.

2008-07-25T21:16:00.003+01:00

Where have you been, asks nobody?

Well, nobody, I have been spending my time away from the computer, which is helping my mother sleep at night a little easier, and in doing so I have been "caning it", "having it large" and frankly "watching it go off all around me whilst I feel a little dizzy". In tribute to this reconstituted lifestyle, I thought I would give you, my loyal nobody reader, my musical highlights from 2008 so far.

In no particular order, of course.

(1) Fatboy Slim in Hyde Park playing Arcade Fire and watching 30,000 people holler along as he sits on the side of the stage and grins.

Now Fatboy Slim is known to deliver obvious jumping'n'jiggleage thrills - "Jump Around" earlier in the set made us, er, jump around - but what I hadn't expected was for "No Cars Go" by the mighty Arcade Fire to bounce across us masses and provoke a mass U2-up.

Footage here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=F_5uaqjliaI

Fanfuckingtastic.

(2) Spiritualized "Sleeping On Fire" (from Songs In A&E)

I have a problem with Spiritualized. It's not that Jason is a smackhead, reformed or otherwise. It's not that he lost Kate Radley to Pipecleanerboy out of The Verve. It's that he can't put a classic album together. "Ladies & Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space" was close and had Broken Heart on it, an astonishing song by any measure, which coincided with the death of my father neatly enough to make me weep buckets and coincidentally go off on the the A&Es myself.

The new album flatters to deceive but does have this blues number on it, which is a basic Jason Spaceman-by-numbers thing until the strings kick in, then a brief minute of eyes welling up then it's over. Be better more often, you bastard.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9_SQZrJT05U

(3) Cut Copy "Heart On Fire" (from In Ghost Colours)

Cut Copy are a band of New Order copyists from Australia. Which sounds entirely shit until you realise how fucking good at that they are. Imagine Ian Curtis never topped himself, but came back that evening, said "Come on chaps, let's chin up a little" and New Order took the happy pills without the inherent sadness.

Now imagine that mixed with Aussies ripping off I Luv U Baby by The Original.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=hN0K974SAtE

For old people, I would describe the album as like listening to Teenage Fanclub "Grand Prix" played by Electronic. Beat that.

(4) British Sea Power with the London Bulgarian Choir, live at Latitude

One of the sleeper albums of late 2007 has now been nominated for a Mercury and I'm made up. I'd be amazed if they won - too old, third album - what would make me glad is if their fantastic album "Do You Like Rock Music" reached another, say, 25000 homes as a result. A band to treasure and their main stage spot at Latitude was accompanied by five of the London Bulgarian Choir, who developed their already big sound still further. That and the air raid sirens.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=w2n-7K0Ef6Y
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hN0K974SAtE

Love 'em to death.

(6) Mystery Jets "Young Love"

I thought that band were cack on their first album: a bunch of faux-bohemian twats on daddy's dollar. I might have been correct, but I am now won over. The single "Young Love" makes Laura Marling sound beguiling instead of dull and the rest of the album is 80s pop gold. Take a look.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=qz-FoGp3p0s

(7) Joanna Newsom at Latitude

Midday, Sunday, rock festival: by this point everyone is fucked, surely? Three or two days of 16 hour caning sessions would proclude any sort of crowd for a fucking harpist from Canada.

No. 15,000 people showed up to watch Joanna Newsom still caned off their nuts to watch a nervous faltering brilliant harpist for an hour. Most were won over, some compared the atmosphere to a library and were shushed out. Difficult to describe this one, apart from "she was fab". I will hand in my blogger's badge at the door as I leave.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=nhqd9hbwTsc

(8) Underworld at Wireless

Lightsticks. Lightsticks. Lightsticks. Beautiful burnout. Lager lager lager water.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YvU0RWQzHik

(I would have posted "Jumbo", but I always do that)

(9) Guillemots at Latitude

Best I've ever seen 'em, and that's a few times now. 45 minutes of their best stuff, played wildly to a partisan crowd. If you don't like them by now, you may never will, and that is indeed your loss. As with many times that weekend, my eyes welled up at Latitude, and this time around it was for Sao Paolo.

They're a remarkable band.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Aa5ygNips3M

(10) Fuck Buttons - Sweet Love For Planet Earth

Noisecore! Fuck Buttons are Talk Talk (yes, them again) meets MBV (yes, zzz). This track, the opener on Street Horrsing, builds like a vaguely tuneful fucker, basses out then introduces a Slipknot parody for variety before throbbing out for four minutes. It's essential.

They remind me of KLF, and Orbital, but on more of an eardrum-perforating mission.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4ph8z8-RCGs

I have others, but that's for later.

2008-07-04T23:43:00.001+01:00

I went to Legoland the other day.

It was like being trapped in the "Money For Nothing" video.

That is all.

2008-05-01T21:10:00.002+01:00

Formative Experiences, part deux.

It's funny how inspiration can strike you whilst nothing appears to be happening. Don't prejeudge me on this, but I was flicking through the 872 channels available to view on Sky Everything tonight and Blackadder II came up.

Now if asked politely I would always say that the best sitcom ever made was Blackadder. The sit is unique and the com is unparalled. The first series is seen as weak but had some wonderful moments, "The Queen Of Spain's Beard" being a corker (Jim Broadbent as the translator, Miriam Margoyles as the new wife, etc). Just great. But the second series was The One. First broadcast when I was 12, it wouldn't be too far out of line to suggest it shaped a good deal of my attitudes for me and did so whilst being creased-double funny.

The episode I accidentally lumbered upon today was the Party/Protestant number, where Edmund is attempting to schmooze an inheritance from some devout relatives whilst simultaneously holding a bloke night in the other room. Going back to the formative theme, I think I decided that night which side of the divide I was on. I was raised as a Methodist but rebelled fairly early (I started refusing to go to Sunday School at the age of eight, citing an entirely correct assertion that "those people are telling lies") and I believe this episode was all the clarification I needed.

That this event has led to a lifetime of lager consumption is merely a side effect.

2008-04-28T19:14:00.002+01:00

Formative experiences. Random, are they not?

For some reason this sort of thing has been vexing me of late. As an example, I believe I have finally worked out why I can't take Scottish football seriously: it's because the Panini stickers for clubs and players north of the border were only half size (in 1985, at least: they may still be. I am no longer 12). For corroboration this is an excellent site: http://www.craigcullen.co.uk.

I particularly recommend utilising the search criterion "Mulletised Perm", by the way.

Another thing that struck me today was that my perhaps nihilistic outlook towards gender politics has been informed to a disproportionate effect by the Sooty Show. Wait, I'll explain.

Matthew Corbett is the parental figure in the SS dynamic, this much wouldn't take Noam Chomsky to discern; it follows that the three other characters - Sooty, Sweep and Soo - are the kids.* So far, so Rainbow: a family which takes the puppet-human divide and straddles it with disconcerting enthusiasm.

However, the Sooty Show domestic situation is particularly unhinged.

Sooty is to all intents and purposes mute, theoretically capable of whispering to Corbett when he wishes to perform an act of random conjouring, but unheard by us the audience and, it appears, his fellow puppets.

Soo on the other hand can and does say what she likes - indeed, although her big-sisteresque witterings may prove central to plot resolution, the manner of her condescension towards her brothers grates very quickly on the ear. Poor Sooty: he can't answer her back.

Sweep is restricted to a bark-like squeak, one which carries little in the way of varying timbre or nuance. Perhaps his closest descendent in popular culture is Jack in Father Ted: the voice as percussion, as punctuation; an outlet for repetitive yelps of frustration. Viewed through this prism of understanding, it is entirely possible to translate Sweep's entreaties as "Shut up, Soo! Will you give it a rest!"

What irks more is that Soo was a far later introduction to the group: Sooty was quickly joined by Sweep in the mid-50s but it wasn't until almost ten years later that Soo joined the group. Thus she can be contemptuously disregarded as readily as say, Scrappy Doo, whose arrival disrupted the central Scooby-Shaggy dynamic in a similar manner.

(* = According to Wikipedia, Sooty and Soo were in a relationship of some sort. I'm not sure I want to research this area in any greater detail - there may be corners of the internet where pictures of consummation exist.)

2008-04-01T22:56:00.003+01:00

Good news, bad news.

Bad news: a friend of mine died. I can't pretend that my sense of loss is anywhere near that of his family, or close friends - but nonetheless, when you hear bad news, you start to think about that person, how their life affected yours...

OK. This is the first of my uni mates to die. I and doubtless many others across the Lanciverse* are looking back and wondering. It's a stage of life thing. MM was older than me, older than almost any of us, but he died prematurely, quietly, and as far as I can make out, alone.

That grips my shit on a basis which exceeds the way even people complaining about the phrase "that grips my shit" can grip my shit.

The good news is this. MM was one of the good guys. Not some bloke who would steam into a fight to save anyone of us, but one who would look at the entire (and I type this hesitantly) 'family' and get on with it. The last time I saw MM, it was a night out in Lancaster with Dan, MM and myself which started with MM loudly slagging off a local politician as that person was dining at the next table and ended in a canalside pub in which MM concocted a series of subterfuges which, er, could've gone worse.

As the cab left the area MM laughed his very best laugh. He'd stitched someone up again, and he'd loved doing it.

MM. Gawd bless yer.

SHOUTING AT NOTHING

2008-03-23T21:30:00.000Z

This blogging lark's a piece of piss. Anyone can do it, provided telecommunications hardware more advanced than an old Amiga with a trimphone spotwelded to it - and these days, that would include stuff sufficiently tiny you could shove it up your poopchute and attempt to smuggle it through Stansted.

The question, though, is not how, but why? I'm of the mind that the number of bloggers active is widely exaggerated in the newspaper articles that can be read on the topic, as those numbers tend to be in the hundreds of millions. Billions by now, probably, given the exponential growth in unprovable bullshit written about the, ugh, "blogosphere" by people who don't really know what they're on about. (In 2005, it was estimated that a third of 14-21 year olds in the UK had their own blog: I'm sure I don't need to labour a blogging/masturbation comparison here, do I?)

Why am I writing this? Well, partly because I've got around to using Google Reader to capture podcasts I'd always thought might be OK to listen to on my interminable commute to outer Middlesex, this in turn prompted by my disdain for Apple and its 'orrible ethos (so no iTunes) and the purchase of a new titchy MP3 player from Creative, which has repaid my faith in it by crashing twice already, much as a newly rescued hound from Battersea might shit on your doormat by way of displaying gratitude. Twice. But anyway...

Whilst on Google Reader, I added a few blogs by people I know, or admire (but seldom both...) and before you know it my long-dormant blog itch started up again. For a brief period when it seemed that MySpace was an acceptable place to spend one's time, and I freely admit this was after the Murdoch invasion but before the ceaseless salvos of friend requests from US-based hip hop honeyz, I used to sporadically splurge random thoughts, often late at night after having taken alcohol, I'm not too proud to admit. Then I'd wake up in the morning, think "what is this shit?" and delete away, as if doing so would somehow absolve my renal sins.

This time around is different: I'm not even slightly pissed, nor have been for three weeks, so my motivation is different. I think I've identified just what I'm up to here.

Yes, this time it's boredom.